General Petraeus spoke substantially about Britney Spears' comeback at the VMA's during his testimony today, necessitating non-stop major cable news network coverage of the worst dancing seen since Gene Gene the Dancing Machine hung up his Keds.
"I wrote this report myself, without help from the President," Petraeus said without irony. "Britney Spears' comeback has been a military success by all measures. She has, since her deployment, single-handedly curbed violence in Al-Anbar Province. While it is true that Britney has some political work to do, she has gained considerable ground in convincing Sunni radicals to cease supporting Al-Qaeda in Iraq."
When asked by Senator Susan Collins whether Britney was fat, corrupt, and phoning it in while aspiring to "Anna Nicole Smithdom," Petraeus responded that he would prefer to have six months to a year in order to observe Britney's progress before making any further determination.
"We can't withdraw Britney from Iraq without careful consideration of the likely consequences. Every move we make at this time sends a signal to our foes. Precipitous withdrawal of Britney Spears sends a message to Bin Laden and his ilk that we are ready to cut and run in the War on Terror."