Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Touchy Feely


I manage to avoid much of the Liberry silliness because of my HVAC equipment room 'office' and second-shift schedule, but since I've been here two years without going to many gatherings I decided to attend the Employee Appreciation Luncheon today.

Ugh.

The food was great (whichever Aunties made the bean salad, the couscous with chick peas, and the feta spinach salad--yum!); there was pleasant chit-chat; there was coffee; there was some old dude retiring...and then a motivational speaker took over.

Appalling.

He read bad poems. About ripples in ponds and butterflies causing hurricanes. Then he made us close our eyes, and while playing some dentist's office soundtrack (perhaps Acoustic Alchemy?) he tapped people on the shoulder, who in turn had to stand and roam around touching people who "gave their all" or "made [them] laugh" or "shared a secret" or "was trustworthy."

I don't hold truck with this sort of tepid feel-good activity at all. I don't want people randomly poking me on the shoulder or patting me on the head, co-workers or no. A couple times I peeped with my head down to look at the feet of whoever was touching me. Half the time it was the mutherfucker giving the presentation. I don't need your pity pokes, Mr. Man. Someone touched me at 'is a leader' and I snorted contemptuously. Mostly I practiced zazen and imagined perverse variations of the touching options: touch someone who gives you a major wood; touch someone who smells like onion; touch someone so old they're growing mold, etc. Then my turn to touch people came and I touched everyone within reach at every opportunity.

There were some Aunties who actually started crying at the end.

6 comments:

Flea said...

The crying was unbelievable! The poetry was agonizing. Luckily, right at the end of that "If" horror at the beginning, one of the reference people burped which made me giggle.

When it was my turn I got to "touch someone who makes your day brighter" and headed right for Aunty Clod.

When we were told to "touch someone who challenges you", we all just froze. I should have given Kamikaze a wallop.

Anonymous said...

Reading this is giving me a panic attack, seriously. I hate touchy-feeliness and I also hate actual touching. I would have had to run from the room.

Anonymous said...

That was Emily!

geoff said...

Flea I looked at your face when he was struggling with his CD-R and the tiny boombox. Let's just say your expression was priceless!

Before Girl said...

Came across your blog randomly.

This post made me laugh. I hate touchy feeling things like that unless it's good friends I know (the kind you can whallop in good fun). I would have muttered "sexual harrassment" under my breath.

This is totally cringeworthy.

geoff said...

I'd forgotten about this until your comment appeared in my inbox. I shudder anew!