Sleepy

No sleep now for three days. Hopefully tonight I'll zonk out--I already crashed for twenty minutes while reading, but woke up for some reason. I spent most of the day on the shifting project, which is surprisingly physically demanding work. As soon as I got home I ran 2.5 miles and did so very fast. Something about the air quality on a rainy winter day gets the system going. I figure if busting my ass at work all week doesn't merit a good night's sleep, then perhaps a run on top of it all will help. I took four days off because I thought I was getting very sick Tuesday night, but three Thermoses of echinacea tea took care of that shit right away. Hallelujah.

I need all the physical activity I can get. Since Thanksgiving I've packed on 15 pounds via a combination of eating like a horse and running less than regularly. My goal is to lose 20 pounds by February--and no, it's not a New Year's resolution.

Why the fuck do I care what I weigh, anyhow? I look the same when I weigh 175 as I do when I weigh 225. Nobody gives a shit, and I stay active whatever my weight, so WTF? Just something I nag myself about for no particular reason. When I was 26 I topped off at 240 pounds; I want to avoid doing that again at all costs, but since I started working out regularly again (Christ, 8 years ago!) I've never been above 192--I'm probably pretty close now.

Mommie Dearest called me Sunday to say my brother-in-law's sister had an aneurism. She's a wee bit older than I, and we've known each other forever; even though we haven't been close friends since we were 16 or so I still took it kind of hard. Of course, because it was Mommie Dearest, I had to get the news couched in aggravating judgments about everyone involved. "Well she wouldn't perhaps have had the aneurism if she hadn't stayed up all night drinking on New Year's Eve," and "all their kids were up all night--they're too young for that. They're still asleep now and it's almost noon!" And "maybe she'd have avoided it if she lost weight."

No sympathy, no empathy, no dismay--only judgment, condemnation, superiority. Argh! I can only hope for the best news possible for M. and her family. Word has it she was alert the next day and talking, but was a bit incoherent, which is completely understandable.