I really haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing. Yeah, I've taken the classes and watched other teachers, but there are things which don't gel for me yet. I mean, I understand most of my responsibilities, but I don't get how to do them without working 24/7. Differentiation of lesson and product, arts integration, re-teaching, tutoring, assisting those with learning disabilities--I truly feel I can't do it all. Some teachers can. I have my strengths, but I have a long way to go.
Sometimes I observe myself and feel a strange sort of disconnect. I have developed a persona in front of the class which is completely not who I am: fierce, quick to anger, all about the rules, heavy on the guilt, full of lectures about responsibility. This is totally not the persona I've crafted over 40 years, which-- according to the Buddha--is also not who I am.
I want to film myself teaching to see how it looks. I know the kids think I'm a character. I get out The Noisemaker and everyone says "He got that stick! SHHH before he bangs on sumthin'!" or "He gettin' mad. His face is purple!" All my little contrivances, all my rages and screaming fits, are nothing but histrionics. I hate the way we run our schools, the discipline and order I find objectionable and actually contrary to the way kids learn. But chaos is certainly no help either. Order first, then build trust and we can cut loose a bit? Like I said, I haven't the slightest.