Every morning my Crew kids were coming in with gigantic cans of energy drinks which resemble 40 oz malt liquor cans, with names like "Blue Bull" or "Max Charge" or whatever. Then they'd complain about headaches and stomach aches and crashing mid-morning. I finally got them all to stop buying and drinking these by lying to them: "those beverages shrink your junk," I said. The Punisher did a spit take of some orange energy drink.
"You wrong, Mr. Geoff. Don't say stuff like that!"
"I'm telling you. Your junk will shrivel up. All those chemicals, the corn syrup, the dyes? Your junk is gonna shrink away."
The next day nobody brought an energy drink to homeroom. I thought "this won't last," but Sherm said very publicly "Mr. Geoff I did some research on energy drinks and you were right! They shrink your junk and they kill your sperms!" The kids all rushed over the PC and Sherm showed them what he found.
So now the kids are drinking fruit-flavored sodas instead, but when I told them about carcinogens in plastic bottles they all freaked out and started pouring out their chery and orange sodas. I'ma get them drinking water and real fruit juice yet.