It's a matter of choice

I remember the first time I went to the Wegman's grocery in Hunt Valley, MD. I was on the way to a party at a friend's house up near the PA border and they'd asked that I pick up some cheese and crackers as I came up from Baltimore.

It took me a while to get cheese and crackers because there were FOUR AISLES OF CRACKERS. It was hard even to "see" the individual varieties as the mind shut down at the overwhelming array of colors and box-front images of crackers spilled out with cheese cubes, spreads, confections, olives. I was as flummoxed as the narrator of Borges' "The Library of Babel" at the immensity and infinitude of packages. Paralyzed by choices, unable to process the information available to make decisions, I eventually just grabbed a couple varieties at random and hit the cheese counter blindly as well. I likely brought some weird ass thyme, dried tomato, and truffle resin biscuits made from prehistoric grains.

Quarantine in the digital age has a similar effect. Even on days when I'm working from home, I still have more time to entertain myself than typically is the case during the school year. No outdoor exercise, no trips to the beach or the shops (or extremely limited trips to the shops), no commute, no restaurants, bars, etc. And though I've managed to get a few time-fillers to consistency--push-ups and barbell exercises, tai chi, Rosetta Stone lessons in Spanish and Tagalog...a bit of blogging again, guitar playing--I am having some trouble with the amount of choice the digital age offers when I'm filling the rest of my time.

I'm about, for example, to finish the two books I'm currently reading. I have more reading time lately than typical, and I'm thinking "What should I read next?" There are a couple Henry James novels I've not yet read, and I have the Complete Henry James on Kindle for .99 cents. But look--they also have the Complete William Dean Howells--I loved Silas Lapham! Oh, look the Complete Edith Wharton. Jesus, I only read a couple novellas by her and always meant to take the plunge. What the hell should I read? I never read Anna Karenina, and wow they have all the Tolstoy. It's hard to pick when there is SO MUCH TO PICK.  And oh yeah there are those 300 free Met art books I downloaded last year...

Same with film. I can rent or stream pretty much any art house or foreign film I missed in the past and always wanted to see. I can get any schlocky horror film or any documentary about any topic. Because I have access to pretty much everything, I end up watching nothing because I can't choose. There are a few Zhang Yimou films I've not wept over yet...but there are also gaps in classic Italian and French film I'd like to close. But maybe I should re-watch Tarkovsky? Or Kurosawa? Arrgh.

Adding to the curse are the online course offerings: Harvard's free Buddhism course, and UPenn's free Greek and Roman Mythology course both sound grand. They don't offer credits toward MD State Teacher re-Certification, alas. But they sound cool. And there are SO MANY I can't just pick one.

I think of my Dad saying "Shit or get off the pot" when I get like this.

All the while I'm trying to decide what to pick to read, to watch, or the learn about, I'm listening to music streaming my entire iTunes library which consists of all the CDs I ever bought uploaded over the years and which runs the gamut from Perotin to Kendrick Lamar.

Of course, when you can't decide about something to do then you fill time with somewhat less intellectual pursuits, the most easily available of which is porn. But oh my goodness what porn do you pick? There are so many genres and sub-genres and sub-categories of kink and scenario and race and size and age and...

And yes, this post comes from a place of substantial privilege. Many don't have access to any of these things, and are stuck at home, in situations not dissimilar to those who experienced the last great global pandemic. Having too many options to learn and entertain oneself surely beats having few or none. Or, having to work with the likelihood of exposure.

Free Art Books to While Away the Lockdown

Screenshotted from From Van Eyck to Bruegel, which I downloaded last year when the Met made it and hundreds of other art books available digitally.

My library--some 1,800 books after the sales and donations two years ago--is in a storage unit in Baltimore. I miss all my books, but most painfully I miss having art books to take down and peruse.

But this Met Resource is astonishing, and helps ease the pain.

BTW: that angel be like "thank you SOOOOO much for social distancing and staying on lockdown!"

Quarantine Dreams

The stress of teaching online has manifested in my dreams. Daily (nightly) I have bizarre and complicated dreams about school and my students.

Often the classroom has been destroyed and we are trying out new settings only to have students get lost or fall into crevasses, or I spend the dream encountering small groups of my students and I can't find the rest and when I do find others I lose the students I'd found previously.

The current project my students are working on will get a ridiculous additional requirement that nobody can accomplish, and I awake multiple times thinking "That's not part of the assignment" only to fall asleep again and have another anxiety dream about it again and again.

Yesterday I dreamt that my class somehow woke five monstrous giants from the distant past. These began systematically destroying civilization with cudgels the size of train cars. I guided my students to an ancient thick-walled fortification atop a system of caverns and we all got separated in deep catacombs. At one point I thought "well at least the giants can't get us here," only to see through a hole in the wall that human soldiers and police in allegiance with the giants were forming up outside to invade our bunker. I rushed around trying to find my students to guide them out before it was too late.

Sometimes the dreams are of a sort I used to have in high school: can't find my classroom, my schedule is printed in symbols I can't read, my locker with all my work is sealed shut or the combo no longer works, etc.

Strangely, however, I'm sleeping more than I have in years--somewhere around 8 hours a night. This is unheard of. I typically get 3-4 hours. Is it healthier to sleep 3-4 hours without waking, or to sleep 8 waking 3-4 times a night in a panic at some imagined stressor?

And how many more weeks/months of this will we have?

The New Normal

Ventured out grocery shopping this morning between my first class and my third period class, during my planning block. First time I went out since Panama went full quarantine. We are now limited to a small shopping window based on the last number of our passports.

I was wearing a hoodie to cover my hair, snorkeling goggles, and a cotton face mask. I'm sure I looked a fright!

My protocol for departure: scrub the kitchen island counter first. Fill the sink with soapy water. Put a basin full of water/bleach solution by the door. Put a folded towel on the floor by the island. Grab a hanky for door handles, picking up groceries and putting them in bags, etc.

At the Foodie two blocks from us, a guard checked my passport, checked my temperature, and gave me a dose of hand sanitizer. As I shopped I touched nothing without a hanky.

Protocol for re-entry: When I returned I left my sandals in the hallway. I opened the door with my elbow. I put my feet in the bleach basin before stepping inside. I placed the re-usable vinyl bag on the towel and stepped on the towel. I washed my hands carefully. I placed the items in the bag on half of the island, then washed my hands again. Then holding them with a rag drenched in cleanser I used another paper towel drenched in cleanser to sanitize each package. I placed items I'd sanitized on the other half of the island. Fruit and sealed plastic or metal containers went directly into the sink of soapy water. After putting all items away I washed my hands again and used the rag and towel to hold and sanitize my keys, wallet, goggles, and credit card. Then I washed my hands again and put those items away. Then I washed the items in the soapy water in the sink and placed them on the counter. Then I washed my hands again and put those items away. Next I stripped down and put my clothes, kerchief, mask, and all towels/rags used on the towel on the floor. I sanitized the handles, bottom, and sides of the vinyl grocery bag. I folded the towel with all clothes and rags inside and threw it into the wash. Then I washed my hands again and sanitized door handles, washer buttons, fridge handles, and faucet/sink/counter again. Then I took a very hot and careful shower with lots of soap--hemp soap, undiluted. Finally, I took a paper towel drenched in cleanser out into the hallway to fetch my sandals, which I put into the storage locker outside. Then, washed my hands again.

My wife suffers asthma and gets bronchitis regularly. I have to take every precaution, and so does she.

It was weird to be outside. Few people, almost all wearing masks and rubber gloves. Very strange and Twilight Zone-esque. How many weeks will this last? Will it ever become routine? Bless those essential folks who are keeping the world turning.

The Plague

It was about nine or ten weeks ago that my 6th grade students started asking about COVID-19. I told them we likely needed to pay attention to it, but that we should also remember that end of the world predictions happen pretty routinely. I told them about Y2K, and the Mayan Calendar, and various alignments of planets, and other dreadful viruses which all heralded the end of the world over the past few decades. I had, I said, lived through many ends of the world.

And now, I'm starting my 2nd full week of teaching online. I have to scrub all groceries we purchase with alcohol cleansers and then scrub the counters where I placed them for cleaning. I sanitize the door handles and light switches. My wife and I did not leave our apartment for 7 days--this morning we ventured out to the grocery for the first time, and each patron at Foodie was given sanitizer and received a temperature check before entering 2 meters behind the previous patron in line. In order to get outside we have to ride an elevator 54 floors down.

It's impossible to maintain social distance on an elevator with 5 or 6 other people.

In four hours we will be officially stuck here in Panama. All flights in and out of the country are barred starting at midnight for at least 30 days. The US State Department has advised that citizens living abroad shelter in place, avoiding international travel. The government has locked down movement from the City to the interior and the beaches. The pool and other facilities in our building are closed. There is a curfew from 9pm until 5am. All bars and restaurants are closed.

Frankly, I'd rather be in Panama than the USA right now. I have some concerns about societal collapse back home, and think we might fare better here at least for now. The government has been far more proactive here. But despite that, Panama has gone from 1 case to 345 cases in less than 3 weeks.

We have Spring Break in 2 weeks, and had hoped to visit either Guatemala or Cuba. We've been living here for almost two years and have not really explored many new places nearby, with the exception of Cartegena. Now, we wonder if we will be allowed to travel before next school year starts. Presumably our Spring Break will be more sitting around the apartment, reading and looking at the COVID-19 infection numbers?

And will next school year start online, from home?

Book #9 of 2020: The Last of the Wine by Mary Renault

Recently I read Ecstasy and Terror: From the Greeks to Game of Thrones and Literature and the Gods. These sent me spiraling down a path back to the Ancient Greeks. Mendelsohn's book contained an elegant and touching reminiscence about his teenage infatuation with Mary Renault and her novels. This infatuation blossomed into a long-term correspondence with the author. As a result of that essay I read The Last of the Wine, which just happened to be be free on Amazon Prime.

What a timely read, finely tuned to our current reality. There was at that time in Greece a conspiracy of oligarchs to recruit foreign influence in the overthrow of the democratic government in Athens. Sparta was the recruited foe and the oligarchs successfully returned to power with their aid and support. Renault's depiction of the catastrophe is vivid and really captures what I imagine the Greek experience of the world was like. Along the way the reader gets to hang out with several characters we know well from Plato's dialogues.

Now I've moved on to House of Names: A Novel and I'm sure I'll have much more to say afterward. Toibin is a fantastic writer and I've already fallen deep into this retelling of Iphigenia, told from Clytemnestra's point of view. All of this is great, because I'll be teaching Ancient Greece to 8th graders next year and I need to brush up and put my own spin on the material. I'm already churning ideas for teaching the unit. Wonder if I'll be teaching it from quarantine? Toibin's Clytemnestra sees the world pregnant with omen and curse and wonders at the malignant power of her family's blood, but at the same time doubts the Gods are real and wonders how to mollify them and/or recruit them into her vengeful scheme. We all feel disturbing and discomfiting emotions at this time, and the Greeks somehow charted courses through them all for us.

PS: As I was typing this entry the Mrs. came in and interrupted me. I turned around and did a teasing Jack Torrence in The Shining impersonation. She was not amused, given we have not left the apartment in six days due to quarantine.