Not my department

Customer service "online chat" with Comcast rep:

Me: Hello. Back in late December I spoke on the phone with Comcast about transferring service to my new address. I spoke with a nice woman who told me service was not available at the new address. She gave me the number of someone to call the next day. I was on the phone with her for more than 30 minutes as she searched for information. The next day I was again on the phone for 30 minutes. The second person—a male—advised me again that Comcast had no service capabilities at my new address. I asked him to cancel my service effective in February. He said that was no problem. He said I should return my equipment within six months of the cancellation. He said he was sorry they could not transfer my service, but that he would put in a service call and alert me if they installed cable at my new address.

Now it is May and I just received, forwarded from my old address, a bill for two months service.

Lynda: Hi. I am sorry. You will have to call Comcast. I cannot help you in online chat.

Me: I refuse to spend another 30 minutes on the phone with a new person.

Lynda: You have no choice.

Me: I have no choice?

Lynda: You have no choice.

Me: I was billed for service at my old address, where I no longer live. Just look at my account, see that I called Comcast in the past as I said, and cancel my service.

Lynda: I can only answer customer service questions.

Me: So billing complaints are not customer service questions?

Lynda: No. They are billing complaints.

Me: Actually, I emailed customer service from your website. They told me to chat, and gave me this link to do so. They sent me to you after I told them what my problem was.

Lynda: Customer service made a mistake. They should have sent you to billing.

Me: Is there a billing chat?

Lynda: No. There is only the phone number.

Me: I told you, I am not calling again. I was told this was resolved months ago. It was not. This is YOUR mistake, not mine. I should not be troubled any more than I already have been.

Lynda: You have no choice.

Me: I have no choice? I already made my choice. I got DirectTV.

Lynda: I mean about your bill. You must contact us by phone.

Me: How about if I continue to allow you to bill me at my old address, for service that does not exist, at an empty house that is undergoing renovation?

Lynda: Then we will continue to charge you and your file will be referred.

Me: My file will be referred to whom?

Lynda: Collections. Collections uses third-party contractors to coerce payment.

Me: Is there a collections chat?

Lynda: No. This is the only chat. We answer customer service FAQs. We do not answer billing or collections or maintenance or equipment.

Me: What do you answer?

Lynda: Questions about who you should call.

Me: So the chat is functionally useless? You only exist to tell me I have to call anyway?

Lynda: You would have to ask complaints.

Me: Let me guess.

Lynda: There is no complaints chat. You have to call Comcast.

Me: What are you wearing?

Lynda: A Comcast shirt and black jeans.

Me: I read this Kafka story.

I ended up driving to Comcast in White Marsh at lunch. It took 20 minutes to get there, and I was yelled at by some guy for calling TOO SOON to cancel my service. “You should call the same week, not six weeks ahead,” he screamed. I told him that the customer service at Comcast was beneath contempt, and asked him who I should complain to. He gave me the link for the online chat. They are still trying to bill me for two months' service at the old house.